 True Story |
This is purportedly a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
The HelpDesk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
The actual dialogue follows:
"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?" - "They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing." - "Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." - "Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" - "No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" - "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark." - "Dark?"
"Yes, the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't." - "No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"- "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too damn stupid to own a computer."
For Moms (Mother's Day is in May in U.S.)
My mother taught me:
- TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
- RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
- ABOUT TIME TRAVEL . "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
- LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
- MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
- FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
- IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
- OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
- CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
- PATIENCE. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
- WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
- HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
- CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
- BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION ... "Stop acting like your father!"
- ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
- ANTICIPATION. " Just wait until we get home."
- RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
- MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
- ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
- HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
- HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
- GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
- ROOTS. " Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
- WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
- JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Wives and Lovers and other matters
- You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or
get married and wish you were dead.
- At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other women replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
- A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
- When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
- Eighty percent of married men cheat in the U.S.A. The rest cheat in Canada.
- A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
- A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
- Young son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.
- Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and by then it was too late."
- Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
- You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.
- Husband: Want a quickie? Wife: As opposed to what?
- First guy: "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
Wacky Warning Labels
- A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions, "This product not intended for use as a dental drill."
- A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user: "Remove child before folding."
- A bottle of prescription sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause
drowsiness."
- A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually
warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."
- A CD player carries this unusual warning: "Do not use the ltradisc 2000 as projectile in a catapult."
- An "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter cautions, "Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."
- A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use "while Sleeping or unconscious."
- A container of underarm deodorant says, "Caution: Do not spray in eyes."
- A cartridge for a laser printer warns, "Do not eat toner."
- A household iron warns users: "Never iron clothes while they are being worn."
- A label with a hair dryer reads, "Never use hair dryer while sleeping."
- A 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow warns: "Not intended for highway use."
- A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns, "Do not drive with sunshield in place."
- A bathroom heater says: • "This product is not to be used in bathrooms."
- A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes."
- A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists says: "Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."
- A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution: Risk of Fire."
- A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."
Ode to Saddam Hussein?
Ozymandias
I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read,
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed,
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings:
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
- Percy Bysshe Shelley, 1792-1822
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Read also previous issue' articles:
The $5,000 Loan
Last Words
The Water Cooler
Pyrohies
Home Improvement
Too many Questions
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