 Gripes, Gripes and More Gripes By Michael WILLARD |
The balladeer tells us we should like old dogs, children and watermelon wine, but what about all that other stuff under the sun that is suppose to be essential for we business warriors to lead balanced lives.
For example, casual Fridays. I can't help it, but I think it was thought up by a Human Resources Department guy with very little to do. We might as well have a designated bad hair and funny face day.
At our company, I don't care if one shows up in a loin cloth and a Mohawk chop, so long as he or she gets the job done, and the dress doesn't detract from accomplishing a client's goal.
As a practical matter, this usually means dressing for work in proper attire, regardless of the day. Creative directors, however, are weird and can dress any way they want, anytime, and usually do.
But while I am on the subject, most creative directors are complete conformists. They wear the same uniform day-in and day-out: long hair, one earring, scruffy jeans and a tee-shirt with Che Guevara on front.
Surprise me. Wear a tee-shirt with former President Nixon on it or Maggie Thatcher. Or a three-piece suit and a Tony Randall haircut. Now you would really stand out at a creative directors' convention.
Did I mention Human Resources Departments? Sack 'em.
These guys represent the biggest detriment to a smooth running, profit-making business. They have no purpose other than to remind you of State holidays and to make sure you wear something casual on casual Fridays.
What about business "networking"? You have to be kidding.
For starters the term sounds like it should be in an illustrated Kama Sutra book co-authored by a techie. There is a term for folks who stand around with cocktails or beer and hand out business cards like feeding chum to sharks. Boring.
I would have put networking into a sexual context having to do with self gratification, but this is a family magazine. I suppose on balance it is something that needs to be done, but do we have to do it in public.
Advertising pitches, a nuclear megaton gripe.
What businessperson would go to three lawyers and pay only for the lawyer he felt gave him the best advice? Try that with three handcrafted and finely tailored suits and see how far you get.. Probably a sewing needle in the gazoo.
But, most of us advertising and PR guys --though not us, of course --are dummies. We get a bloody nose and then ask for a roundhouse up the side of the head. Pitches are, on balance, fraudulent exercises for masochists.
Give me "a level playing field" and "the bottom line" is that "at the end of the day" we might participate in a pitch. But this leads to another gripe. I don't like language fraud, either.
People who say (write) "give me the bottom line" mean something in between. People who want a "level playing field" really don't want level, but in their favor. And for those people who declare "at the end of the day", I am tempted to ask if that's Eastern Standard or Mountain time.
Four-week vacations? Give me a break.
Only if you are stranded on a deserted island, or been captured by circus dwarfs and held in Cleveland. Hannibal crossed the Alps in less time, and he road a pokey elephant. Surely you can get a suntan in a fortnight.
As I drone on, a person close to me reminds me that that I instigated casual Fridays eight years ago. She also claims I can whip out a business card at a networking opportunity quicker than Billy the Kid on the draw. That I say at the "end of the day", 10 times a day.
That's another thing that gripes me -- hypocrites.
As you might have guessed, I have a lot more gripes. One of my brand attributes -- as we say in the marketing business -- is being cantankerous. But I do like old dogs and children.
Never tried watermelon wine.
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More in the section:
Sleeping With the Enemy
Working Man Blues
Ukraine's Founding Fathers
Read also previous issue' articles:
Expats: Why Are We Here?
The Luckiest Man Alive
Being Vladimir Putin
The Age of Unreason?
Yes, I Give a Damn
News:
The Rush to Judgment
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