 Scuds, Last Day of School... |
Scuds?
Ok, I'm the only female in a house full of guys: 4 sons and a hubby. Toilet seat never down, etc. - you get the picture. Therefore, I'm the only one who would be using female products, correct? A strange thing was happening at my house: tampons were disappearing. It started a few months ago, when I went to my cupboard to get out a tampon and there was only one left. I could have sworn I had just bought a box the month before. So, I go back to the store, buy a new box and forget about it. The next month (that time of month), I go back to the cupboard and viola! there is only one tampon left, again! What is going on here? Gremlins? Total memory failure? I go to the store, buy another box and try to chalk it up to forgetfulness, but am really wondering, now. Later in the month, I decide to clean out my two youngest sons' closet and, Low and Behold! at the bottom of their closet are the wrappers, applicators, and the tampon themselves! Now I am starting to freak... Dear God, what are they doing with them?!!
I get hold of myself, tell myself that "I am an Adult" and can handle this-despite the bizarre thoughts running through my mind. Wondering, "Do I have enough money saved up in the bank for MAJOR THERAPY?" I go to the stairs and yell to my two youngest sons to "Come Here, RIGHT NOW!!!" With their usual lack of speed, they finally appear in their room to find me staring into the bottom of their closet. I firmly, but with control, ask, "What are you doing with THOSE? Those are MINE!" My 12 year old looks like a deer caught in the headlights and is silent. My 10 year old looks at me, all innocent, and says, "Well, Mom, we were playing with our G.I. Joes and THOSE make really good SCUD missiles. What do YOU use them for?"
"NEVER MIND... GO PLAY!"
- Contributed by a UO Reader
Last Day of School
On the last day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.
She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked," Champagne?"
"No," said the little boy... "I give up," she said. "What is it?"
The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
- Karen Bradley
Mother's Day
After 21 years of marriage, I discovered a new way of keeping alive the spark of love.
A little while ago I had started to go out with another woman. It was really my wife's idea.
"I know that you love her," she said one day, taking me by surprise. "But I love YOU," I protested.
"I know, but you also love her."
The other woman that my wife wanted me to visit was my mother, who has been a widow for 19 years, but the demands of my work and my children had made it possible to visit her only occasionally.
That night I called to invite her to go out for dinner and a movie.
"What's wrong, are you well," she asked? My mother is the type of woman who suspects that a late night call or a surprise invitation is a sign of bad news.
"I thought that it would be pleasant to pass some time with you," I responded. "Just the two of us." She thought about it for a moment, then said, "I would like that very much."
That Friday after work, as I drove over to pick her up I was a bit nervous.
When I arrived at her house, I noticed that she, too, seemed to be nervous about our date. She waited in the door with her coat on. She had curled her hair and was wearing the dress that she had worn to celebrate her last wedding anniversary.
She smiled from a face that was as radiant as an angel's.
"I told my friends that I was going to go out with my son, and they were impressed," she said, as she got into the car. "They can't wait to hear about our meeting". We went to a restaurant that, although not elegant, was very nice and cozy. My mother took my arm as if she were the First Lady.
After we sat down, I had to read the menu. Her eyes could only read large print. Half way through the entrees, I lifted my eyes and saw Mom sitting there staring at me. A nostalgic smile was on her lips.
"It was I who used to have to read the menu when you were small," she said.
"Then it's time that you relax and let me return the favor," I responded. During the dinner we had an agreeable conversation nothing extraordinary - but catching up on recent events of each other's life. We talked so much that we missed the movie. As we arrived at her house later, she said, "I'll go out with you again, but only if you let me invite you". I agreed.
"How was your dinner date?" asked my wife when I got home.
"Very nice. Much more so than I could have imagined," I answered.
A few days later my mother died of a massive heart attack. It happened so suddenly that I didn't have a chance to do anything for her.
Some time later I received an envelope with a copy of a restaurant receipt from the same place mother and I had dined. An attached note said: "I paid this bill in advance. I was almost sure that I couldn't be there but, never-the-less, I paid for two plates - one for you and the other for your wife. You will never know what that night meant for me. I love you."
At that moment I understood the importance of saying, in time: "I LOVE YOU" and to give our loved ones the time that they deserve.
Nothing in life is more important than God and your family. Give them the time they deserve, because these things cannot be put off till "some other time".
Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby ...somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, "normal" is history.
Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ...somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.
Somebody said being a mother is boring... somebody never rode in
a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.
Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good"...somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.
Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices... somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.
Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother ... somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.
Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first...somebody doesn't have five children.
Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books...somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.
Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery...somebody never watched her "baby" get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten ...or on a plane headed for military "boot camp"
Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back...somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies to sell cookies.
Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married ... somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son- or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.
Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home... somebody never had grandchildren.
Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her...
- Contributed
by Walter Prochorenko (from the Internet) who has been in the States visiting his ailing Mother
Mississippi Man
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like a pint of Old Crow, a chaw of Redman tobacco and a can of sardines."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you from Mississippi?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something." If I had asked for
a fine wine would you ask me if I was from California?
Or if I had asked for a pack of Marlboro cigarettes, would you ask me if I was from Montana? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was from New York?
Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was from Mexico?
Would ya, huh?
Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no."
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm from Mississippi just because I ask for bourbon, chewing tobacco and some sardines?"
The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."
-The Mississippi Redneck
The Hearing Test
An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. He called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.
The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem. "Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, feet, and so on until you get a response."
So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away... let's see what happens." "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response. So he moves in the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" STILL no response. So he walks right up behind her. Honey, what's for supper?"
She turns around, and yells into his face "For the fifth f***/** time, CHICKEN!
- From a UO Reader
Selah
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Read also previous issue' articles:
The $5,000 Loan
Last Words
The Water Cooler
Pyrohies
Home Improvement
Too many Questions
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