In his Sunday sermon, the preacher used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject.
After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.
"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three. "
Pleased with her mild manner, he commented, "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be 93, and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, slowly turned around and said: "It's easy. I just outlived the bitches."
REST IN PEACE
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this, 'Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
BLONDES AT THE PEARLY GATES
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.
The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."
She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ...
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good." Then the blonde continued,
"Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees His shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."
St. Peter fainted.
HAIL TO THE CHIEF
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says, "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die". So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten-year-old schoolboy "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and
a priest I will give you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
ECONOMICS: THE DISMAL SCIENCE
Heard at the Wharton School.
Man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and
a huge flock of sheep. Tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
TOP 10 REASONS TO STUDY ECONOMICS
1. Economists are armed and dangerous: "Watch out for our invisible hands."
2. Economists can supply it on demand.
3. You can talk about money without every having to make any.
4. You get to say "trickle down" with a straight face.
5. Mick Jagger and Arnold Schwarzenegger both studied economics and look how they turned out.
6. When you are in the unemployment line, at least you will know why you are there.
7. If you rearrange the letters in "ECONOMICS", you get "COMIC NOSE".
8. Although ethics teaches that virtue is its own reward, in economics we get taught that reward is its own virtue.
9. When you get drunk, you can tell everyone that you are just researching the law of diminishing marginal utility.
10. When you call 1-900-LUV-ECON and get Kandi Keynes, you will have something to talk about.
An economist is a trained professional paid to guess wrong about the economy. An econometrician is a trained professional paid to use computers to guess wrong about the economy.
Talk is cheap. Supply exceeds Demand.
An economic forecaster was known to have a horseshoe prominently displayed above the doorframe of his office. Asked what it was for, he replied that it was a good luck charm that helped his forecasts. But do you believe in that superstition? he was asked, and he said, "Of course not!" But then why do you keep it? "Well," he said, "it works whether you believe in it or not."
----
Two economists were walking down the street when they noticed two women yelling across the street at each other from their apartment windows.
Of course they will never come to agreement, stated the first economist.
And why is that, inquired his companion.
Why, of course, because they are arguing from different premises.
A party of economists was climbing in the Alps. After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.
Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'
'Yes', answered the others eagerly.
'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.'
When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 190. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 150. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". The third New Zealander mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"
SOVIET ECONOMICS
During the waning days of communism in the Soviet Union, an inspector was encharged with visiting local poultry farmers and inquiring about the amount of feed they were giving their chickens. Central planning was still in effect and each farmer was allocated 15 Rubles to spend on chicken feed.
One farmer very honestly answered that he spent five of the allocated 15 Rubles on chicken feed. The inspector took this to mean that the thieving farmer pocketed the other ten and promptly had him imprisoned.
Hearing of this through the rumor mill, the next farmer down the road insisted that he spent all 15 Rubles on food for the chickens. The inspector saw this as a case of budget padding and the farmer as a wasteful opportunist. He too was imprisoned.
The third farmer heard of both episodes and was more prepared for the inspector's arrival.
"How many of the 15 Rubles do you actually spend on chicken feed," asked the inspector.
Like a true nascent capitalist, the farmer threw his hands in the air and answered, "hey! I give 15 Rubles to the chickens. They can eat whatever they want!"
SOME SARCASTIC QUOTES
- It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.
- Alan Alda
- If you don't know how to do something, you don't know how to do it with a computer.
- Anonymous
- American is a very difficult language mixed with English.
- Anonymous
- Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they may do it.
- Russell Baker
- You never realize how short a month is until you pay alimony.
- John Barrymore
- Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
- Robert Benchley
- Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
- Hector Berlioz
- I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.
- Prince Bismark
- The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck
- If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
- George Burns
- The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.
-James Branch Cabell, from The Silver Stallion
- Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
- Johnny Carson
- If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum.
- Chinese Curs
- Nature gives you the face you have at twenty. Life shapes the face you have at thirty. But at fifty you get the face you deserve.
- Coco Chanel
- Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would not have chosen a suit by it.
- Maurice Chevalier
- Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
- Sir Winston Churchill
- The fellow who thinks he knows it all is especially annoying to those of us who do.
- Harold Coffin
- I have never seen pessimism in a Company prospectus.
- Sir William Connor (Cassandra)
- It is extraordinary how potent cheap music is.
- Noel Coward
- A cynic is just a man who found out when he was about ten that there wasn't any Santa Claus, and he's still upset.
- James Gould Cozzens
Selah
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