We're sitting in a basement pizza parlor in the center of Kyiv on a winter, weekday afternoon: that is, Alesya, an attractive and well-spoken 21-year old student from the Kyiv area who has signed up at a local marriage agency that introduces Western men to Ukrainian women and me. It's cold and noisy outside, but the pizza parlor is dim, half empty and staffed by young women who don't look that different than Alesya.
"I am not desperate and this isn't my last chance. I admit that economic opportunities are much better abroad, but I am not about to marry someone I don't love," she immediately declares, before I even get a chance to stick my nose into the tall glass of flat Coca Cola that I've ordered, much less ask my first question. As the waitress comes back with Alesya's order, I suddenly realize that I must look like one of the dozens of lonely American men who meet in such places with prospective brides every week during visits arranged by local marriage agencies. The only difference is that these guys are usually flanked by a middle-aged, female matchmaker and invariably look more awkward.
But that doesn't matter much. I still get the feeling that the character at the entrance who smiled as he took our coats was thinking: "Here's another foreign clown promising one of our little cuties a better life abroad." Alesya didn't make things easier by demonstratively speaking English while asking me to take her coat.
"The guys are usually nervous when they get here," says Nick Labensky of Ukrainian Affairs marriage agency. "We introduce them to the girl here in the office and send them out to get acquainted - usually to a cafe." Nick is a 50-something American with a crusty east-coast accent who's been in Kyiv for 13 years doing everything from consulting to catering. Reclined behind his desk, with two cups of coffee and an ashtray with as many cigarettes set between us, he goes on to tell how he got into this business: Started out helping friend; friend had been scammed by local vixen; saw an opportunity to help others like his friend while making a living; first working for an agency which he found out paid girls to go out with men, then decided to start honest business with friend, who takes care of state-side operations.
"Ninety per cent of marriage agencies in Ukraine and Russia are scams," says Nick. "I go into these [marriage agency] offices and see a line of computers. Men come into my office with beautifully written letters." Since most of the mail-order brides in Ukraine don't write that well in English, this means that a lot of Ukrainian outfits are making a buck by turning out bogus correspondence to foreign men who are eventually asked to send money to pay for English lessons, a foreign passport or a sick granny's medical treatment. According to Nick, "they ask for it to be sent by Western Union, so there's no trace to follow."
So how are agencies supposed to work? Nick gave me a rundown of his operation. Man in the states (and to a lesser extent Western Europe) accesses the company's web site to look at the photos and short bios of Girl, who submits this information in Kyiv. Man pays nothing to peep. Girl pays nothing to show how pretty and marriageable she is. If Man sees Girl whom he likes, Man gets in contact with either Nick's partner or Nick himself. But at this point, when Man expects Nick's partner to start filing Man's application and when Nick is expected to pull himself away from that coffee and those cigarettes to contact Girl, Man must pay.
What does he pay for and what does he get? Theoretically, although Nick's people say they have never encountered such a situation, an economically minded Man could learn of the existence of the Girl of his dreams on Nick's web site, arrange travel and accommodations on his own (buying a Berlitz Russian phrase book in the airport just in case), then set up a meeting with Zhenya of Zhytomyr for a nominal fee of $50.00. But what if he's not only cheap but a sadistic womanizer who's determined to expand his activities overseas with low start-up costs? According to Ukrainian affairs, he still has to send his personal info (at his own expense) to the Kyiv office and slip through the initial meeting under Nick's watchful eye (which has been sharpened by a couple of costly divorces).
That having been said, Nick usually does things a little different: At the lower price range, Man sees at least one Girl who catches his fancy and then contacts the agency. For $900.00, he gets his romantic resume filed, picked up and dropped of at Boryspil, an assistant/translator for six hours a day, accommodations arranged in advance and meetings with 15 girls - plus a couple of tickets to the opera or theatre. Man pays for his own airline tickets and hotel.
Of course, if the guy is more busy and less thrifty, he can get more of the above (including the number of meetings arranged) for more money and lots of other conveniences like a mobile phone with a local number, flowers etc.
But how does the customer know that the girls he's set up with are really looking to get married? He could be just getting an expensive tour of the Ukrainian capital with a super model for a guide whom he has to treat? Or conversely - aren't the girls just being used as bait for dirty old men who get to paw them up in quiet cafes? And what about those sadistic womanizers after all?
Nick's people acknowledge that some of their girls sign up electronically, but many are also well known to them. Nevertheless, he says he and his people are involved or available for advice throughout the whole meeting period. "If a girl asks a client for money, she's kicked out immediately," he says. On the other hand, he recalls one time when a guy from England offered one of the girls money for sex. Some call locally for a date. "This isn't the human way to find yourself a partner," Nick says mournfully, going on to explain how long a process it sometimes turns out to be, with false starts, stops and restarts, which sometimes end up in marriage.
Why a tour of 15 different girls? Because it's hard to decide whom you want to marry by looking at a computer screen, and if you're paying for the airfare and hotel, you might as well meet as many potential partners as you can.
Dmitri Pugach, a U.S. educated attorney who helps marriage minded trans - Atlantic couples with some of the paperwork on this end, enters the process at a later stage. The people he meets have more or less already decided to tie the knot. "I only help those who are serious about getting married," he makes clear from the start. According to Dmitri, the men are usually middle-aged, divorced and financially comfortable; the women are younger and also divorced, but make peanuts at their jobs in comparison to that of their future spouses. The women also often have children from a previous marriage. No surprises here.
Does this affect the relationship? Dmitri says the men he has met are invariably concerned about being ripped off, while the women are worried about starting a new life and the welfare of their children. They also want to make sure that the foreign groom is really who he says he is. Sometimes expectations are not lived up to. Dmitri recalled one couple (American man, Ukrainian women) who didn't stay married for very long: "He told me that she kept bringing home men whom she said were just friends...until finally he came home to find a note saying she had left him and telling him not to look for her." But Dmitri is an optimist. The same guy later found another Ukrainian wife whom he is still happily married to. Like Nick, Dmitri establishes a relationship with his clients.
But foreign men are not as naive as they used to be. An American named Saul Hudson has started a web site (www.antiscam.com) on which he posts the names and photos of cunning East European women along with the stories of guys who've been duped. The site also contains tips on avoiding scams, getting a fiance visa and - ironically - a list of marriage agencies that Saul doesn't vouch for.
Nor is any of this a secret in Ukraine. Judging from an investigative report recently broadcast by Ukrainian television, the fraud would even seem to be a boost for the egos of Ukrainian men who aren't all that flattered by their women's interest in finding a husband abroad. The report includes an interview with a local guy, whose face isn't shown but who admits to scamming foreigners seeking wives through Ukrainian marriage agencies. In his closing remarks, the journalist expressed surprise at the naivete of the foreign victims: Why would a pretty young Ukrainian woman want to run off with some lonely middle-aged foreigner when there are so many fine young lads available at home?
Back to the pizza parlor. "I've had my fair share of experience with Ukrainian men," exclaims Alesya, "Our women slave away their lives while the men get drunk". She acknowledges that there are good and bad husbands in Ukraine just like anywhere else, but all things considered, better a foreigner who will take care of her than a compatriot who can't or won't? "When someone needs a job (which Alesya says she is looking for by the way), he applies to an agency or searches the Internet, so why shouldn't this same person look for a future spouse in the same way?" she asks.
Alesya says she has heard some of the stories about mail-order brides being abused by their spouses, but thinks the gains justify the risks. Moreover, her mother supports her decision. Her father is deceased, and she has no brothers or sisters.
Alla Chevhanova, a 25-year old native of Mykolayiv, who was murdered by her estranged American husband in September last year, is one example of an international marriage gone tragically wrong. She was stabbed to death while waiting to pick up her son from a day-care center in New Jersey. She had met her husband, 59 year old Stuart Barney, through an American company called European Connections and Tours in 1997 and became his wife the next year.
Of course, there are probably a lot more couples who met through marriage agencies (international or local) and who are happily married to this day. Moreover, family violence is not limited to husbands and wives of different nationalities. Nevertheless, many women's rights groups in the U.S. are concerned about women who suddenly find themselves dependent on a man they hardly know, who lack a proper knowledge of their rights and who may have a limited knowledge of English.
The fact of the matter is that there is no comprehensive system to look after women who are abused by mail-order husbands. According to the U.S. Embassy in Kyiv, before issuing the K-1 visa to Ukrainian women, they "conduct thorough interviews of all fiancees and review extensive paperwork and documentation of the relationship" including police records.
Although there is not much else they can do, this kind of system is more likely to catch someone using the fiance visa to get around tough immigration laws rather than an abusive husband. The embassy reports that 90% of its K-visas are from people who met through marriage agencies. Thus what kind of relationship is there to check? Moreover, the refusal rate is only 10%. On the other hand, if the women rips off the guy and ditches him before getting married, she is unlikely to be deported unless she has a run in with the police or tries to cross the border again. The list of illegal aliens in the U.S. is just too long.
So how do you find love in Ukraine without getting used and abused? Nick says he warns the men never to send money or offer girls expensive gifts: "The women here are not that different from anywhere else," he explains, "they want security love and an education for their children". As far as the guys, he says they are screened in the states, while he keeps in touch with the girls' families in Ukraine.
Agencies that look after their clients before, during and after the initial meeting can really make a lot of lonely people happy. And they deserve to be paid for their services. After all, the demand exists.
But what about the big companies that charge a small group of Western males a hefty fee to attend "socials" packed with 10 times as many local women. One girl I met described the experience in the following way: 'Five big, fat American men sitting in the middle of a room surrounded by women with name tags." Others say it was a laugh but that they wouldn't go back. Having said that, they don't seem to have any trouble finding girls. The question is whether the guys know what they are paying for.
I contacted one well-known firm that organizes such events throughout Ukraine and Russia. A pleasant young lady who answered the phone told me that all the girls who attend such events are "registered members of their agency". When a female colleague called the same firm to find out what she needed to do to get in on the fun, she was told to just show up, which would automatically make her "a member". The price quoted for a tour of several such socials was over 3,500 dollars.
Finishing up her milk shake at the pizza joint, Alesya seems just as confident about her plans as when the interview started. "I don't want to use a man to better myself, but I expect my man to help me do this," she says defiantly. Nevertheless, a lot is going to depend on the man she chooses, which may depend on where she finds him as well.
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