Last week I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister... and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir ... mighty scarce.
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
- Les Dawson
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
- Jilly Cooper
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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