Three women took a trip to Mexico one night to celebrate their graduation from university. Predictably, they got drunk and woke up in jail, only to find that they were to be executed in the morning. None could remember what they had done the night before.
The first woman, a redhead, is strapped into the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Brigham Young University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They threw the switch, but nothing happened.
The prison guards immediately prostrated themselves, begged for her forgiveness, and released her.
The second woman, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I just graduated from Harvard Law School and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, the guards begged for her forgiveness and released her.
The last woman, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
Finishing School
"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started," a wise man advised.
I took the advice to heart, looked around the house, and saw all the things I had started, but hadn't finished. Before the day was done, I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, the Prozac, some Valium,
a cheesecake and a box of chocolates.
It worked. You have no idea how good I feel!
Success by the Numbers
What makes 100 percent? What does it mean to give more than 100 percent? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100 percent? We have all been to meetings where someone wants you to give over 100 percent. How about achieving 103 percent? What makes up 100 percent in life?
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, here's
a little formula that might help you answer these questions:
If A=1%, B=2%, C=3%, D=4%, ... X=24%, Y=25%, Z=26%
Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E =11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
but A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
and B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
and, look how far this will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G = 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that, while hard work and knowledge will get you close and attitude will get you there, bullshit and ass-kissing will put you over the top.
Useful Phrases For Any Occasion
My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Nyquil: The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with the software.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory on your computer.
Ham and eggs - A day's work for a chicken,
a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Punch Lines
"I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team."
- Art Buchwald.
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
- Fred A. Allen.
"In Pamplona, Spain, the annual running of the morons got underway ... or, as the bulls call it, 'Revenge of the Atkins Diet.'"
- Jay Leno.
"A legend is an old man with a cane known for what he used to do. I'm still doing it."
- Miles Davis, 1926-1991.
"Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else."
- Judy Garland, to her daughter, Liza Minnelli.
"Be your own hero. It's cheaper than a movie ticket."
- Doug Horton.
"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."
- Woody Allen.
"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
- Dorothy Parker.
"I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking."
- Katherine Cebrian.
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