 “I Get No Respect” |
Rodney Dangerfield
(born Jacob Cohen ‘got no respect’): Here are some of the comedian’s self-deprecating jokes:
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin. Hang out with fat people.
I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I joined Gambler`s Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don’t make it.
I said to the bartender "Surprise me." He pulled out a naked picture of my wife.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so ugly... When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother!"
I was such an ugly kid - when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I'm ugly I'm tellin' ya. My proctologist, he stuck his finger in my mouth.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom...
My uncle's dying wish: he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
The other night I told my kid "Someday, you'll have children of your own. He said "So will you."
The other night I woke up and my wife was saying sexy things. I looked over and she was on the phone.
When my wife has sex with me there's always a reason. The other night she used me to time an egg.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me...
With my wife, I've got no sex life. The dog keeps watching me in the bedroom so he can learn how to sit up and beg. I told him to watch my wife so he can learn how to roll over and play dead.
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More in the section:
From Dangerfield to Shakespeare
Memorable Epitaphs
The Texan and his Volkswagen
Read also previous issue' articles:
Bumper Stickers
Things Found Only in America
Devil in the Church
Generosity Begins at Home
Murphy's Other Laws
Some Interesting Facts
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