An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... dad...
I became a prostitute..."
"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, dad - as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath).... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice - picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmers decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm just here to feed the alligator."
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