The hot blade of modern market segmentation has made mincemeat of the tourism industry. Even relatively unexplored territories like Ukraine and other countries of the former Soviet space have failed to escape this razor: green tourism, shopping tourism, adventure tourism, and nostalgic tourism are all the rage. Sex tourism unfortunately has also become a problem, especially with short-hops to Europe and a relaxed visa regime. Ukrainian towns, villages, and cities are all lining up for the perfect adjective to distinguish themselves from a crowded field of hostels and package brochures.
Ukraine and her post Soviet sisters have precious little time to distinguish themselves. India is already cornering the market on surgical tourism and Madagascar has already taken over the cute-animals-featured-in-computer-animation tourist trade.
After several years of field research, however, I'm convinced that Ukraine and other post Soviet states still have a fighting chance to carve out some niches for themselves. Act fast, though! A successful gimmick requires innovation and agility!
*Head banger Paleontology - Digging up the Dinosaurs of Rock: The post Soviet space is the perfect beach for washed-up rockers to surface. Not only are the venues cheaper and easier to book, but also ageing fans will go to their concerts to bathe in the nostalgia of a time when Rock and Roll was banned (Musicologists may note that the collapse of the Soviet Union also coincides with the rise of Boy Bands and the death of Rock and Roll). Post Soviet youth still is enamored with people who would bother to come so far just to play music for them. Over the last two years, Kyiv has resurrected the dead careers (and assisted in paying off some decades-old drug debts) for such wrinkled rockers as Jethro Tull, Deep Purple, Helloween and Nazareth. All we need now to complete this parade of rockers on life support is a visit by the all-time gurus of geriatric gyration, The Rolling Stones.
* Smoke Tourism - The Nicotine Dream: Tired of being ostracized because you got hooked on cigarettes back when they were cool? Is the right to light up one of fundamental importance and a matter of human dignity? Then look no further than Ukraine! Here, non-smokers are in the minority and you can pretty much fumigate wherever you darn well please. Sure, there are new laws on the books making it more difficult (but in the words of the Ukrainian constitutional court - "rules are made to be broken"). All the same, you can come and watch western nicotine-aholics go through the three stages of breaking the cycle of smokers' stigmatization:
sdStage one: the statue of liberty. Hold your cigs up in the air like a torch of freedom and away from other's breathing space.
Stage two: stairwell smoking. Join your colleagues as you clog up the corridors and stairwells. Grunt disapprovingly when others ask you put it out.
Stage three: light 'em up in the maternity ward.
Orthodontic Tourism: Got your teeth kicked in a bar brawl? Or just want to tame that out-of-control overbite? Orthodontics is more hip that liposuction these days (hmmm. There's an idea - lipo-tourism!). For the over-the-counter price of an orthodontic overhaul in the states - You can get fully treated, get a round-trip ticket to Kyiv, and have enough pocket change to kill six months in the city while your teeth realign just as fast as the local politicians! Plus, lots of adults are sporting the braces here (demand for perfect smiles is the latest indicator that capitalism is here to stay), so you won't stand out.
Don't Give a Hoot, Just Pollute! - Litter Tourism: Does your inner Oscar-the-Grouch demand release? Then throw away your cares along with your beer bottles and coffee cups! You can even chuck them out the window of a moving vehicle! Fine for littering? No, littering is fine!
Street-protest Tourism: Equipped with the four essential ingredients (a cause, a color, a tent, and
a protest poster) you can camp out in front of any Ukrainian government building and be featured on RFE/RL! We also recommend a catchy theme song. "Winds of Change" by the Scorpions may be ready for a come-back. If you're lucky enough, they just might be in town for a concert.
Remember - all those other places - London, Paris, Rome, and Zermatt -- are so yesterday. It's time to get Ukraine on the leading edge of tourist development and give the world real alternatives.
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