 Quotes From Comedians - and Other Funny People |
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather - who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Author Unknown
 Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." - Author Unknown
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." - Drew Carey
"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." - Jeff Foxworthy
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry
" Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." - Bob Ettinger
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh" - Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery
"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson
 "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law" - Jerry Seinfeld
"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson
"Bigamy is having one wife or husband too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." - A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry
 Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. - Unknown, presumed deceased
"Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
You can avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
 Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
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Read also previous issue' articles:
Bumper Stickers
Things Found Only in America
Devil in the Church
Generosity Begins at Home
Murphy's Other Laws
Some Interesting Facts
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