- 43.8 percent of statistics are made up on the spot.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- A bartender is just a pharmacist with
a limited inventory.
- 24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
- A man is not complete until he is married - then he is finished.
- Answer my prayer - steal this car.
- A penny saved is government oversight.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
- Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener.
- The loudest snorer is always the first one to fall asleep.
- Microbiology Lab - Staph only!
- The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
- My other car is also a piece of junk.
- Not tonight, dear - I have a modem.
- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
- A journey of a thousand miles starts with a cash advance.
- A pessimist is never disappointed.
- Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
- And which dwarf are you?
- Back off! I'm a postal worker…
- An eye for an eye…leaves the whole world blind.
- As a matter of fact, I do own the road.
- Artificial intelligence generally beats real stupidity.
- 4 out of 5 voices in my head say, "Go for it!"
Top Ten Tricks to Liven Up a Meeting
- Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the 'real' reason this meeting has been called.
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Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
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During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
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Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank each one for coming.
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Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
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Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
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Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
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When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, "Well, here's the way I see it, J.B..." (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss's.)
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Complain loudly that your neighbor won't stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
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Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say "uh-huh, uh-huh!"
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