"Hark, is this a press release I see before me. The paper in my hand. Come, let me destroy thee." (visual device here)

Okay, I might have butchered Billy Shakespeare's MacBeth, but I have a point: The press release is an out-dated instrument as used by most public relations companies today.

We're killing trees for no good reason.

Let me read you a paragraph from a typical press release: "Jason Brown, chairman of Blue Mountain Chemicals, said today he was proud that the company he leads "increased its profits 10 per cent over last quarter."

Whoopee. We call that a wooden quote.

I bet Mr. Jason Brown was also proud his mamma got around to ironing his under shorts. Proud that his kid passed kindergarten. Proud that his daisies are in bloom.

Who cares? So what?

And then you have the joint announcements, as in "In a joint statement the board chairman and president said today that they are proud…et cetera, et cetera…

What are they doing-singing the announcement together in a glee club?

My basic gripe about the press release is that it has not evolved since the Ice Age. It is still primarily written by PR people - and edited by lawyers - for the company and not for the press.

This leads to corporate gobbledygook.

The media simply doesn't give a damn. They want to talk to a person. They want a live body to give the facts and a juicy quote or two. They want relevant information.

You know: who, what, where, when, why and sometimes how.

Before I became a flack, I was a reporter and editor. I worked for an international wire service and my boss in New York, H.L. Stevenson, once told me:

"For two weeks don't open or read any press releases. I guarantee you will not miss a thing."

I did. And I didn't miss a thing.

My name is Mike Willard and I AM the Ukraine Observer.